Hidden & Forbidden

I Couldn’t Be What They Wanted             

       The direction in which my life is headed and where it has been are factors in my parents’ continuous disappointment with me. “I’m gay” was the iceberg that, for them, so tragically sank the ship they’d built for me over the years. The fantasy of blood-born grandchildren, a wife, two kids and a boring life in suburbia, was sent flying into the proverbial waters surrounding their safe, pure houseboat.

       For sixteen years, I had known that I was a disappointment. I had a sense that my sexuality was something of great importance and, if I were to have a place in this world, I would have to somehow redirect my same-sex/gender attraction to that of the opposite. So I tried, faithfully, everyday with the help of “straight” pornography, forced attractions to women and even taking part in the complimentary “fag” jokes provided by all of the adolescent boys I had to call “peers.”

       During those sixteen years, my sadness never faltered. I was never happy being this amalgam of different philosophies of heterosexuality. And it quickly and easily became the source of hatred and anger toward my own parents, with whom I constantly fought and argued. I was pissed off that the world would never accept me for who I was, only for who I pretended to be. And I knew, all too well in fact, that my parents felt the same.

       At seventeen, all of the negativity had passed and I was far too tired to let it ruin my life anymore. So I confessed my truths, and the burden of hiding was spirited away. I am finally happy.

Daryl F., 19
Hooksett, NH